all off me

3.10.2017

all of me fits
in a nike box, dumped off
return to sender –
meanwhile my 20×12 room remains
a testament to you.
memento mori tears
the pit in my stomach builds
acid-refluxing towers, and i hope
that the New Me, the one
who you will love for all time
(in sickness and health, through
good times and bad, et cetera)
will love you back as much as i do
(in depression and serenity, through
bliss and fuckups, et cetera)
broken as i am.

73 pounds of failure
for sale at the butcher’s block
going for nothing
yet with no interested buyers.
i can see why you walked away.
i can see it all – ribcage like
jailor’s bars, shriveled breasts
and thigh-gap legs that won’t fill
clothes. palms forever open
in surrender, pleading for one…
one more talk, one more kiss, please
don’t say goodbye like this.

don’t let the end be a post-it
about four hundred bucks
and when you love her now, new fresh
sparkling relationship of promise
i hope that the stain
washes all off me.

Advertisements

heartbeats

13.08.2017

i see the power lines, red
light district lights blinking,
the turrets of wind farms
spiraling endless and how
the fuck am i supposed
to reach out and touch this,
this happiness, and know that
it is something i cannot keep?

here there is americana
upswept in dust, hot days
with nightshade and fire pits.
i will my camera to appear,
to take my mind’s eye photos
of railroad tracks and dirty boots
and the stillness of your face
when you fall asleep.

i want to remain in the space
where i hear your heart beat.

may i capture it in format?
can i paint it in straight lines?
i will sculpt a door in which
i may traverse to sometime
that this would be different
and i would be better. i would be
lots of things, anything;
instead this repeats.

i can loop too.
just not like you, not in
the magic way that i don’t really
understand, just like so much
about you, but i want it and
the echoes, the ghost doesn’t,
+++++ it doesn’t
it doesn’t matter to me.

blue

8.08.2017

blue sky today –
looks washed clean, new
paint applied, no cracks
along the sideboards.

i light candles
that burn down to nothing,
for in this space
it is always dark.

text messages
are uncertain things;
notification alerts
like mini-panic attacks.

i make lists
to fill trash liners,
and whisper your
name on southern winds.

tiny pinpricks
through facade
made light shafts
on this shallow grave.

and suddenly i can see
all along what was wrong
was me, and my bothers
will never bother you.
here i am alone in blue.

so tired.
that’s when it hits, and i am
wrapping arms around my own waist and
there is nothing there, skin and bones
provide no comfort. no substance:
skeleton walking down the aisle to the grave, tears
you keep misunderstanding, become the
false placeholder: napkins stained at a wedding where
the roses stay painted, the smile now
etched in stone. i’ve tried to make
the happiness full in your heart, and my failure is still
incomplete. i cannot keep this free-fall going. i can’t keep
ticking like a cybernetic clock. i’m
turning cold. i shut down like an .exe –
screen
blue.

read me forwards and backwards.

Stitches

7.09.2016

i suppose i must be burlap
if you are wool.
we play at being friends,
we rent our sentiments.
symbiotic tug-of-war.

sometimes you drain
like potatoes in a can.
thick-spun slime melting off
slowly, then all at once;
you don’t keep well.

the world smiles gorgeous
but not for this one,
this one right here
that stabs slivers of glass
into the backs of eyes.

and those hooks! they claw,
they tear scar tissue
anew, and i don’t scream;
you pass over me in shadow.
it is just this again.

i will endure it, endless,
forever cosmos wrapping,
twisting to pull me
into your black mouth.
awaiting the kill.

Today on my Etsy I premiered my next candle, since the Lon Lon Milk ended up as such a success. It’s Chateau Romani! It’s a champagne-scented soy wax candle that looks like the real thing from the Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask! Check it out:

chateau1

I’m actually fairly proud of it, and I hope it gets some publicity! If you know anyone who likes Zelda, pass the word on for me! :]

DISTRO NEWS

I’m looking for more contributions to our little zine distro! If anyone reads this who loves zines, makes zines, or knows of someone who makes them, please contact me at paperdollcircusdistro[AT]gmail.com! I’d love to work with you! I’m especially looking for any poets interested in collaborating on a poetry/prose mini zine with me. It’s something I’ve had on my mind for a long time and I want to put it into action! I have two ideas.

1. A general collaboration zine. You send me poems, I’ll compile them, and we put it to print! Yeah, there’s some legalese about you releasing your work for print, but it’s all in the name of getting it out there! I have some poems I want to print but it’s just not enough to make a zine’s worth on my own :[

2. A stream of consciousness-type zine. People send me in WORDS. Not poems, just phrases, like a line or two of prose. I compile it into one long flowing zine that will span 8-16 pages. I think this has the potential to be really really neat.

So there you have it. Anyone interested, contact me!